There’s a plug missing in my kitchen
so the water just drains,
washing is a problem
the suds close rank and pool
and float down, cloud like,
whilst raindrops come through the ceiling,
we collect them in a frisbee.
Our walls are half painted,
some blue some cream,
where my Mother sleeps on her side
half empty. She adds it to the list.
Because the wooden panels
that frame the bath are rotten
a leak has sprung and we cultivate
great big mushrooms.
Now the fence has fallen
at the weight of our crab apple tree and
its limbs splay over the grass,
not tended, but wild safari straw.
We are in decay! We moan.
We call another plummer,
polish the floor.
We fell what was.
My guilty pleasure is undoubtedly Instagram at the moment. So here are some of my all time favourite accounts to stalk/follow/admire:
– frost_french. Co-created by Sadie Frost this is an accumulation of suggestive yet quirky photos.
– pandorasykes. A super chic stylist who is model beautiful. Great inspiration for the latest take on trends.
– lookdepernille. Another trendy stylist hailing from Copenhagen. She’s not bad on the eyes either. Everyone needs a scandie fix nowadays and she’s mine.
– bat_gio. This woman is amazing. An absolute must!
– paul_smith. This o-so-trendy man posts a random assortment of style inspiration combined with witty captions. Quintessential British.
– BRITISHVOGUE. Dur.
– goodlifeeatery. Lots of yummy healthy food with the odd motivational/sarcy post.
– Derek Blasberg. Who doesn’t this man know?
– Candice Swanepoel. Already mentioned once on my page, this woman must have been created in a lab because her body is unreal 🙌.
– any of the kardashians.
– blakelively. She’s hilarious and surprisingly relatable.
This post hopefully introduces you to the greatest Instagram account of all time @grapespotting. Once you discover the incredible trend for elderly women to wear purple, prepare to become obsessed. They are literally everywhere. Once this initial amazement wanes try your hand at contributing. Past attempts have included trying to capture two grapes via selfie on the tube. A third popped into the shot and hey presto – it made my week. Not only this, the endless amount of grape puns will keep you inventive on the hashtag. I hope you’re grapeful for the recommendation!
1) Having a relatively small amount of money is preferable. Having lots of money is not. More money = more time spent worrying about money.
2) Don’t go to a musical theatre karaoke night – you will think you’re really awesome at it and your not. Also beware the Anne Hathaway impressions – it was terrible the first time.
3) Healthy eating does really work and will make me look good: but I just love marmite on toast and carbs in general. However deliciously Ella is a phoney – who the fuck can buy 1000 mejool dates and avocados and not suffer from some sort of bankruptcy/natural sugar crack addiction.
4) Don’t accidentally encourage someone to get engaged without thinking of the consequences (ie that they actually get engaged). Then again marvel at how your advice is actually listened to and then quickly distance yourself/take all the glory.
5) If you dress all in black and start getting called the ‘rogue nun’ by family and friends – congratulations.
6) If your friend starts dating a 40 year old man who may or may not have served some time – let it go. It’s great gossip material (so with that embrace your inner bitch).
7) Every single 17 year old boy I know (my brother’s friends – steady on…) actually really wants a stable, loving relationship. Let’s destroy those stereotypes people – teenagers are human too.
The ‘fear of missing out’ used to apply in my life, to those parties I couldn’t attend because my granny was having her sixty-something birthday (I was a bitch). Or when I wanted to go clubbing and a bald headed 24 year old driving licence didn’t cut the mustard. As I have reached my twenties it has morphed to become something far more philosophical. FOMO now is the fear of missing out by making the wrong choices. It is about future events I will miss because I’ve decided to a) get married at 22 because some girl at school did and maybe that’s what everyone is doing now b) decided to say no to all respected professions in the vain hope I’ll do something slightly edgier c) do nothing because this dilemma fundamentally stunts me (the irony). When you have fabulous relatives who swan around being arty models it is hard to get carried away into thinking you genuinely could be like them and that it’s moreover something you want. I have to convince myself over again that everyone has real-life-FOMO and to get over it. Artsy models have the same dilemma but then perhaps it’s not FOMO at all, perhaps it’s FOMO’s better known bedfellow – the familiar jealously.
– LFTW = No not London Fashion Week with a typo, this is living for the weekends. When you actually have a 9-5 job this struggle is real. But drinking in the week is also totally necessary.
– My dad passed away a month ago from a two and a half year ‘battle’ (as people like to call it) with cancer. A brain tumour to be specific and at age 53. So the second thing I have learnt isthat unfortunately I have one thing in common with Kim Kardashian and that the people you love most are not infallible and you will miss them unbearably.
– If you work in a golf club where the members are 90% rich, bald men, a bar job is not a real job. They are also allowed to remind you of this at every opportunity, whilst standing in front of people for whom the job is a ‘real’ job. But apparently trading in intangible debt is totally worth everyone’s time.
– Book clubs are totally awesome. They involve meeting up with friends, totally rinsing each others choices and drinking. What a brilliant idea.
– This is apparently the best you are ever going to look. This worries me as I can not for the life of me remember when I last saw my hip bones or thought ‘hey – I am definitely going to wear that sequin crop top tonight’. With fellow twenty years olds including Candice (pictured) this is doubly worrying.
To be continued….